The Dark Side of E3: Part One Microsoft.

Okay so the mushy lovey-dovey feelings of E3 have subsided. Now its time that we as gamers take a step back and separate the mushrooms from the koopa troopers.  Don’t get me wrong, I loved E3. It was like Christmas and the Super Bowl made love with all my favorite animes and created a super-saiyan, demon-fox, hero baby. But there were just some things that I couldn’t ignore. So prepare yourselves gamers because I’m about to rant.

Microsoft:

Yes, the technology of Kinect is a step forward in gaming. Yes, controlling your digital media like Tom Cruise in Minority Report is super bad ass to the max. But Kinectimals? Really Microsoft? Really? I wanted to use my hands-free,state-of-the-art, motion controller to pull off double head shots with my fingers while kicking zombie dogs in the face. Instead, I have to pet a freaking tiger. Simply put, Microsoft completely forgot about hardcore gamers this E3. Now before you start yelling about Gears of War and Halo, relax. I’m talking about hardcore games for the Kinect. A lot of what Microsoft showed us were upgraded versions of Wii shovelware. I’m all for appealing to the emerging casual gamer market but for the love of master chief, couldn’t they have shown us at least a couple of games that weren’t  campy, cheesy, bonding experiences for the whole family? Also, I don’t know about anyone else, but that presentation with the little girl playing Kinectimals creeped me the hell out. Instead of introducing the Kinect as a revolution in all things gaming, Microsoft formally introduced us to the biggest gaming gimmick since Nintendo’s Virtual Boy.

Saving Grace: Kinect’s technology has a lot of potential to appeal to both the casual and hardcore gaming market. The first impression was definitely not super badass. But maybe with time, Kinect could really be the way we all game.

Agree? Disagree? Think I’m an overweight, pretentious, stupid, fanboy, who should die a horrible death? Comment and let me know. Also, tune in for my next post where I bravely take a virtual dump on Sony and Nintendo (as respectfully as I can).

Big 3 E3 Wrap Up

If you’ve been following the E3 coverage on sites like IGN and Gamespot, then right now you’re in some public bathroom, on the ground, in a fetal position, foaming at the mouth from over dosing on all of the super bad ass gaming news. Before I too succumb to the bitter sweet emotions of cardiac arrest, I thought I’d wrap up E3. I’ll focus on the big 3: Microsoft, Sony, and Nintendo.

Microsoft.

Last year Microsoft captivated gamers by showing us prototypes of project Natal. This year the hardcore gaming king followed up by showcasing the nearly finished and newly renamed Kinect. I don’t know if the name change was a smart move but holy smokes batman, this bad ass piece of equipment makes controllers a thing of the past. With Kinect you can watch movies, play games, listen to music, and talk to your friends all without ever touching a dpad. Microsoft announced that Kinect will have 15 launch titles including Kinectimals, Kinect Sports, Joyride, Kinect Adventures, Your Shape, and Dance Central. In addition to the Kinect games, Microsoft showed us trailers and gameplay footage of Gears of War 3, Fable 3, and Halo Reach. Microsoft will also have timed exclusivity rights to Treyarch’s multi-platform Call of Duty: Black Ops. If that wasn’t enough, the gaming giant showed off Hideo Kojima’s next installment of the Metal Gear franchise Metal Gear Solid: Rising. Although this isn’t an exclusive, it is still a pretty healthy slap in the face to Sony fans. Microsoft capped off their conference by announcing a sleek, sexy, and oh so shiny Xbox Slim.

Sony

Sony, the once noble king of gaming, used this year’s E3 to try to regain it’s kingdom. It went back to its roots and focused on what made it a gaming god in the first place–Games. Games, games, games. Apparently, “exclusive” is Jack Tretton new favorite word. Sony announced PS3 exclusives Infamous 2, Killzone 3, Gran Turismo 5, Little Big Planet 2, Sly Cooper Collection, Final Fantasy XIV, Socom 4, and Twisted Metal. Hold on, hold on let me catch my breath. Jesus Christ, where’s my asthma pump? Okay, I’m good. Sony also announced exclusive content for multi-platform games like Assassins Creed Brotherhood, Medal of Honor, Mafia 2, and Dead Space 2. One of the biggest surprises of the conference was the announcement that, despite Valve’s heavy criticism of the PS3, Portal 2 will be coming to PlayStation alongside other platforms. On the hardware front, in addition to showing off games in 3D, Sony formally introduced us to the Move. The Move is Sony’s answer to Microsoft’s Kinect and Nintendo’s Wiimote. The motion controller will launch with EyePet, Sports Champion, Beat Sketch, High Velocity Bowling, Kung Fu Rider, and Time Crisis Razing Storm. Down the road it will have games like Echochrome,  The Fight: Lights Out, Motion Party, TV Super Star, Ape Escape, Sorcery, Tower, The Shoot, and Heroes on the Move. Love them or hate them, a gamer must admit that Sony is trying really really really hard to once again sit on the throne.

Nintendo

Nintendo is a lot like the third Hokage–old, wise, and mad crazy super powerful. Nintendo practically created gaming and has been around for generations. Because of this, gamers sometimes underestimate the old timer. But just when you think the Mario ship has sailed, BOOM, Nintendo drop kicks you in the throat. This E3 was no different. Nintendo announced that it will bring back childhood favorites like Zelda, Metroid, and Kirby. But that’s not all ladies and gents. Let me paint the picture. The lights dimmed, the audience fell silent, and in the distance kongos and drums started beating. Can you see it? DONKEY KONG! Yes, Donkey Kong. Side scrolling, barrel bursting, banana collecting insanity will be coming to a living room near you. But STILL even Donkey Kong wasn’t the biggest announcement of the conference. During this years E3Nintendo introduced the world to the 3DS, a portable system that shows video games in 3D without gamers having to wear glasses. Launch titles include remakes of classics like Zelda Ocarina of Time, Metal Gear Solid: Snake Eater, Kid Icarus, and much more. I can’t wait to try out one of those things. The 3DS was hands down the biggest announcement of E3. Oh and I forgot…GOLDENEYE!!!

Before I rest my weary head and dream of all the glorious games to come, I will end this article with a quote from Kevin Butler’s epic E3 speech:

“Though we may pledge fanboy allegiances to different flags, deep down inside we all serve one master. One king. And his name is GAMING!”

Sony’s Super Fail

Shit is going down. Ladies and gentlemen, shit is going down. I have just received news that PS3s across the nation are getting an “8001050F” error message. News articles and gaming forums report that this error causes Playstation owners to be unable to sign into their PSN accounts. Another odd symptom of this unknown Sony bug is that the Playstation’s internal clock is reset to December 31st 1999. But my fellow gamers, that is only the tip of the 8-bit iceberg.

WARNING: The following information is not suitable for hardcore gamers or pregnant women. Those with weak stomachs please stop reading now. Anyone recently playing an RPG, DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT CONTINUE READING. Look at this link instead. Reader discretion is advised.

Some gamers report losing trophies already previously won. Other gamers are reporting that they cannot access their DLC. There have even been reports of entire saved games being deleted. Furthermore, some games will not start because of the PS3’s failure to sync with the PSN trophy information. Even games that do not have online multiplayer are reported to be affected by the error. This includes the recently released and critically acclaimed game, Heavy Rain.  Sony has released statements through twitter, saying it is looking into the problem. Sony has also informed the public that slim PS3s do not seem to be affected. For more information check out IGN’s article on the issue, linked here. Here is also a link to Sony’s twitter account.

It’s a freaking war zone out there gamers. Not since Sega announced it would stop making consoles has a flamewar so massive erupted. A quick glance at any comments section or forum about the issue shows that Microsoft and Nintendo fanboys are completely and utterly teabagging Sony owners. I’m talking about some raw shit ladies and gents. I’m talking about no pants, no underwear, haven’t showered for three days, raw, uncut, uncensored, rated X, super, uber, legendary teabagging. I don’t blame Xbox fanboys. They get slapped in the face everyday with cruel reminders of RROD. But I also won’t jump the gun and completely denounce Sony just yet. Logically speaking, a billion dollar corporation like Sony should be able to fix this. I want to take this time to remind gamers who are at the brink of suicide that things could be a lot worse. With this weekend’s tragic and devastating earthquake in Chile, lamenting on some lost games seems so trivial. Although losing trophies, DLC, and saved data is very annoying, it is by no means a tragedy. Still, if I go home and find out my recently earned GTA 4 trophies are gone, I’m kicking someone in the nuts. In the mean time, if you by chance find yourself in a gruesome flamewar, check out my article on how to defend yourself, linked here. I will update on Sony’s progress as it becomes available to me.

Update: Issue has been resolved. Apparently, the bug fixed itself. More information can be found here.

Update: No word on what will happen to lost trophies.

Update: Here are some great Sony getting teabagged moments:

It only does nothing

How to fix 8001050F error.

Flame On

To combat the recent increase in flamewars, politicians and parents have advocated abstinence from flaming. But this conservative view just isn’t practical. Instead of pretending that gamers will ignore their natural urges, we need to educate the masses so that when flaming takes place, it’s done the right way. Lord knows the consequences of unprotected flaming. That is why I have created a list of the top five best ways for fanboys and girls to flame.

#5 Spout out exclusives that show off why your console is better.

You’ve all been there. You watch a trailer on Youtube for one of the sickest, craziest, coolest games of all time. The graphics and the gameplay are super badass to the max. There’s only one problem. The game isn’t available for your system. WAIT! Don’t just close your web browser and curse the gaming gods for being so unfair; there is something you can do. Find a comment that praises the game for its obvious awesomeness, then spitefully name every single exclusive you can think of until the harsh pain of envy is a distant memory and you feel better about your miserable and lonely life. Here’s an example:

Xbox owner: Wow Splinter Cell Conviction looks great. I think I might pick this up.

PS3 fanboy: Yeah well we have Heavy Rain, God of War, Final Fantasy, Infamous, Metal Gear Solid, Ratchet and Clank, Yakuza, etc… So I don’t even care that it didn’t come out for the ps3.

Always end your list with “etc” to give the illusion that there are more exclusives than mentioned. Also, remember that comparing apples and oranges is always effective.

#4 Go to the numbers

Suddenly, your opponent spouts out his/her own list of exclusives, with his/her own “etc” and his/her own illogical comparisons. You’re screwed! Fear not my gaming brothers and sisters, there is still hope. Simply go to the numbers. Look up the most recent NPD video game sales statistics. Then, throw those stats in your opponents face. For example:

Xbox Fanboy: Mass Effect 2 sold 572k in the month of January. Uncharted isn’t even in the top 10. Take your exclusives shove it up your ass you punk n00b bitch.

Remember, it’s not enough that your console’s games are selling more. Pointing out that your opponent’s games aren’t selling at all is the icing on the cake.

#3 Those graphics suck

Sometimes your best flamewar happens in discussions about multiplatform games. For instance, take the critically acclaimed Grand Theft Auto 4.  The exact same game is available on the both the Xbox and the PS3. You can’t bash the exact same game just because it’s on a another system, right? That would defy all logic and common sense, right? WRONG. By simply covering your ears and shouting ” those graphics suck” repeatedly, you can win a critical battle in the flamewar. Here’s an example:

Xbox owner: They really upgraded the graphics from the previous GTAs…

PS3 fanboy: OMG it looks like shit for the Xbox. Those graphics suck. HAHAHA you xbots should get a PS3.

Notice that a gross exaggeration of the slight difference in graphics is the key to implementing this strategy. On a side note, for all the Wii gamers out there, remember you can always just say “graphics don’t matter, it’s all about the gameplay.”

#2 Bring up hardware issues.

So the number of exclusives are the same, both consoles are selling, and the developers of the multiplatform games have just been quoted as saying that both versions are identical in every way. What do you do now? Simple. You frantically attack the console with overgeneralizations about known hardware issues. It might look a little something like this:

Xbox owner: I’m so glad they made an Xbox with larger hard drive space.

PS3 Fanboy: It won’t matter when your shitbox RRODs. At least the PS3 doesn’t have a 33% failure rate. Sony FTW!!!

For gamers who own different consoles, making fun of the Wii’s lack of HD or the PS3’s horrible online component is just as effective.

#1 Your mother is a dirty whore.

Oh no! You’re on the losing side of a flamewar. The game or console you are defending completely and utterly sucks. What do you do?  There’s only one option. Showcasing the epitome of fanboyism, you take the discussion to a whole new level. Forget the games and consoles. Most importantly, forget decency and politeness. Verbally attack your opponent’s mother. Sure you don’t know her or her circumstances.  But who cares? This is a flamewar for christ’s sake. Losing this will surely make you the biggest failure in the history of man. The “your mother is a dirty whore” tactic is complex and requires precision and skill. If done properly, it goes a little something like this:

Xbox fanboy: We have better exclusives, our console has sold more games, and our graphics are better. The Xbox is clearly superior.

PS3 fanboy: Shut up! Your mother is a dirty whore!

Nice! With that, victory is yours. You’re claim is so outlandish, so irrelevant, so rude, that there is absolutely nothing any one can ever say as a rebuttal. Unless of course, your opponent decides to mention your mother. For information on how to strategically combat such a response, please refer to the article entitled, “Ranting Idiots and the Utter Pointlessness of Flamewars.“

Sony’s Not So Super Bad Ass Exclusives

Sony has had a rough time in this generation’s Console Wars. Once the king of gaming, it has been reduced to a laughing-stock. Sony has lost some exclusives, had issues with developers, and didn’t even have vibrating controllers until two years after the ps3’s release. But god bless their poor little soul, Sony was really trying in 2009. They cut the price of the ps3, came out with a slimmer model, and even had their exclusive Uncharted 2: Among Thieves named game of the year by IGN. As a Sony supporter, I was feeling good towards the end of 2009. Finally, I could talk trash to my friends who owned an Xbox and had renounced Playstation. More importantly, 2009 was good but 2010 is supposed to be the year that the ps3 rises to glory. During any flame war when us Sony fanboys got backed into a corner, we simply started listing upcoming ps3 exclusives for 2010. These exclusives are our cavalry, our arsenal, our  divine messiahs sent from the gaming heavens to help up win the war. MAG, Heavy Rain, White Knight Chronicles, God of War 3, The Last Guardian, Gran Turismo 5, and more are all set to be released in 2010 and make Microsoft shit its pants. Unfortunately, it seems that my super bad ass cavalry isn’t as super bad ass as I thought.

Two ps3 exclusives were completely shattered by IGN this week. IGN gave M.A.G a score of 7.0 out of 10 (“decent”). 7.o? Are you serious? DAMN IT!!! M.A.G was supposed to be the greatest fps in the freakin world. 256 players online SIMULTANEOUSLY in one match. It was supposed to single-handedly prove that the free ps3 servers could compete with Microsoft’s online capabilities. It was also supposed to redefine the fps genre and show that ps3, skinny controllers and all, could compete with Halo and even the Call of Duty series. Instead, it got a mediocre score and once again Xbox fans get the W. But that’s fine. I mean we got so many exclusives that one little dud wont hurt, right? WRONG. The next day, just when I got over the utter disappointment of M.A.G, IGN releases its review for White Knight Chronicles. It got a 5.1 (“Mediocre”).  SON OF A B****. A 5.1! Really?. I mean for the love of Mario, you got to be shitting me. I’ve been hearing about this rpg for the past two years. Sony fanboys were throwing it at the faces of Xbox supporters since before we even got trophy support. I’m not even going to mention that the Microsoft rpg exclusive Mass Effect 2 just came out and got a 9.6.

Now I know, I know. The most logical and reasonable explanation is that IGN hates Sony and has its reviews done by evil satanic zombie clowns who feed off the tears of children. But let’s just for one brief second imagine that in an alternate reality these two games are in fact mediocre games. What does this do to my cavalry and to the rise of Sony in 2010? Have we placed our hopes in the wrong games? What if all those awesome exclusives turn out to be duds? Let’s not kid ourselves here. Sony supporters have had to look the other way too many times this generation. We didn’t get trophies until 2008, full 1080p isn’t available for every ps3 game, and we even lost Final Fantasy. Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry but Sony losing Final Fantasy has to be a sign of the apocalypse. Another blow like that and I might not play video games for like two weeks.

My point is that Sony better stop screwing around. This is a grueling war and next generation is fast approaching. We can still pull off the upset of the century if Sony just get’s their act together and builds on the momentum of 2009.Console Wars have changed but games still make the consoles. If the rest of the 2010 exclusives are spectacular, we can win this. If IGN keeps teabagging Sony, then I fear that the end may be near. Seriously, if God of War 3 gets anything less than a 9.5, I’m taking my snes and going to Cambodia to drink milk and live freely among panda bears.

Press Start To Begin

Hello gamers  and game-ets,

Welcome to Super Gamer Cheese, a blog about anything and everything  that has to do with video games. These are interesting times in the gaming world. Video games are more and more becoming an essential part of the American way. Long ago, games were for the few, the proud, the geeky. Today there are a wide array of gamers. There’s the retro gamer, the casual gamer, the hardcore gamer, the Facebook gamer, the handheld gamer, the mobile gamer, the social gamer, the gamer gamer, and even the non gaming gamer gamer (nah I just made the last one up). My point is that it’s a great time to be playing video games. You can find virtual fun just about anywhere you look. But don’t be fooled my loyal followers, this new world is full traps and dangers too. Although our graphics are strong, our minds can sometimes be weak. Problems as old as your first NES cartridge still exist even today. For example, Microsoft vs Sony vs Nintendo is the latest incarnation of the console war phenomenon that has existed since the dawn of time. Game clones and a lack of originality in the the industry has produced some of history’s worst games ever (Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2, Sonic and the Black Knight, Wheelman, just to name a few). These are just some of the diseases that plague the industry today.

Amidst all this chaos, I stand before you  a humble and reasonable gamer from the Bronx who has loved the industry since Super Mario World on the SNES. This blog has been created to pay tribute to my favorite pass time and hobby. I don’t know a lot about sports, I could care less about politics, and frankly television hasn’t been the same since they ended the Justice League. But video games, I know. So I hope you enjoy my tidbits of gamer cheese for the masses. What is gamer cheese? Well gamer cheese is that special feeling you get in your pants when you walk into a room of hot naked chicks. It’s also video game reviews, news, features, videos, rants, opinions,and much more. I will be offering the latter.

Fanboys and Fangirls rejoice and flame on, Super Gamer Cheese is here.